Welcome to the 2010 Winter Olympics. Please keep to the left
 
By Pete McMartin, Vancouver SunFebruary 4, 2010
 
"The 2010 Winter Olympics will take place in Vancouver & Whistler,
on unceded Indigenous land . . . We call on all anti- capitalist,
Indigenous, housing rights, labour, migrant justice, environmental,
antiwar, community-loving, antipoverty, civil libertarian and
anti-colonial activists to come together to confront this two-week
circus and the oppression it represents." -- Press release sent out
Wednesday, titled " Anti-Olympic Resistance Unleashed!", from the
Olympic Resistance Network, complete with a schedule of coming
events.
 
Sisters and Brothers, Welcome to Vancouver!
 
We hope your cavity searches coming through the border this time did
not discomfit you too much: The fascist police forces have been
uncommonly thorough in the run-up to the Olympic Circus, and we have
trauma counsellors standing by for any of those who feel the need to
talk it out. (Consider, though, that any embarrassment you may have
felt caused the capitalists to spend hundreds of millions of dollars
on security measures! Another victory!)
 
Following are a few pointers to give you, our guests, what to expect
during the next two fun-filled weeks:
 
- For those of you who have just arrived in Vancouver and still have
  not arranged for accommodation, our housing activists will be on
hand to direct you to available squats and condemned tenements in
the area. (Or go online to check our housing directory at
www.cockroachinfestedhell.com.)Also, I have some space on my living
room floor, if you don't mind sleeping on a futon.
 
- Be sure to register for our full slate of fascinating seminars and
  workshops to be held at the North Korean consulate, location
disclosed upon a secret handshake. Some of the subjects in our
lineup include:
 
" Too Close for Comfort: Lycra Track Suits and The Objectification
of Female Olympic Athletes."
 
" The Last Bast ion of Apartheid."
 
And:
 
" Great Expectorations: You, the Police and Spitting."
 
- Plan to have a blast by taking part in the Resistance Network's
  own Alternative Olympic Games. They're non-judgmental,
gender-neutral and open to all sexual orientations, other than those
whose outdated notion of the traditional patriarchal nuclear family
is dependent on the systemic subjugation of Womyn.
 
There's something for everybody in the Games, including: The
100-yard Smash (cobblestones plus plate glass windows equals fun!);
the Skeleton Hunger Strike (last one to faint wins); Transgendered
Hockey (no offside, no icing, no rules); and the Downhill Trajectory
of Western Civilization (first to the finish line wins survivalist
kit). Be sure to sign up the kids!
 
- The week will culminate with a march downtown, scheduled to
  coincide with the opening ceremony of the Olympic Winter Games. We
will welcome our Olympic torch as it makes its climactic entry into
Vancouver, and then possibly burn something down with it. We do not
-- we repeat, WE DO NOT -- condone violence of any kind. But things
happen, don't they?
 
Marchers should wear something comfortable to protest in -- hobnail
boots and gas masks are always timeless -- and remember to bring the
chip on your shoulder.
 
- Unhappily for those many people who expressed an interest in
  visiting it, there is no Cuba Pavilion at the actual Olympic
Games. The International Olympic Committee claims its absence is due
to Cuba's lack of winter athletes, rather than political pressure
from American imperialists, and sure, 9/11 wasn't an inside job! But
as an alternative, may we suggest that after a hard day of
protesting, locals like to congregate at Chez Che's in east
Vancouver.
 
A personal recommendation? Try the flan there. It will revolutionize
your tastebuds!
 
pmcmartin@vancouversun.com

Pete McMartin, Vancouver Sun